


Love Me in Vain

by rubylily



Category: Kamisama no Inai Nichiyoubi | Sunday Without God
Genre: Angst, F/F, F/M, Forgiveness, One Shot Collection, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-23
Updated: 2014-01-23
Packaged: 2018-01-09 19:15:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1149791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubylily/pseuds/rubylily
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three people Dee loved and one person she managed to get along with.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Alice Color

**1\. Alice Color**

Sometimes being a ghost wasn't so bad. Dee could fly wherever she wanted without fear of exhaustion, and she didn't need to eat or sleep. She could turn invisible and watch others unnoticed, and it wasn't long before she realized she could manipulate others by simply whispering to them. It was almost as if she had the powers of a witch, and she could do what she wanted to this world.

But she hated it. Being caught between a real world and a false one was not a comfortable existence.

The first time she had returned to Ostia, she had cried, just as she had when she had first left and found herself a ghost. However, they had been tears of joy, as she could finally feel again. She could feel herself breathing and her heart beating against her chest. No sounds could be more pleasant.

Yet she left the sealed city from time to time so she could watch over Alice.

On one indistinguishable day in Ostia, Dee stood alone in the empty classroom, near the window. The sun was beginning to set, but she had no desire to leave. Her "home" wasn't much of a home, as she lived alone. She had not seen her parents since the day the seal had been formed, and she had yet to find them in the outside world. In fact, she had not seen Alice's or any of her other classmates' parents since that day.

If her parents were even still alive, how would they react to seeing their daughter as a ghost?

She laid her hand on the window and let out a heavy sigh. Her chest hurt every time she was near this window, and her head felt as if it was about to split open. Outside in the far distance she could see the unmoving Ferris wheel. When she touched this particular window, she often saw herself falling, but there was never any pain.

Her nails scraped against the glass as she clenched her fingers. A wish had created this world, but whenever she tried to remember it, a painful fog seemed to invade her mind.

The more resets she and Alice lived through, the more unreliable their memories became. Even so, they were more aware than their classmates, who all acted as if nothing was awry, despite the lack of other students and teachers. Such beautiful ignorance, and Dee and Alice had lost that bliss when they had left the seal.

The students of Class 3-4 had wished to forget something, to forever tie themselves to the past. These peaceful days belonged only to them, and thus they were trapped in this seal. All except for one.

Tears stung at Dee's eyes. Why she was bound by the seal over the city while Alice could leave freely? That freedom he had should've been a good thing, and yet…

Was she jealous of him, or was it something else?

"Dee, are you still here?"

Dee glanced up, and she saw Alice walking into the classroom. "Hello, Alice," she said with a smile. "I just didn't feel like going home yet."

Alice said nothing in response. Instead he came up next to Dee and touched the same window her hand was on. He winced, but only briefly. "I'm going to leave the city again tomorrow," he said, and his eyes were focused on the distant Ferris wheel. "The next reset is still several months away."

Dee leaned her head back, avoiding Alice's gaze. "You could be free for good," she said. "Why do you keep coming back?"

Alice frowned. "I'm not that free. I can't age, and if I die I just wake up here again." He closed his eyes and took his hand from the window. "And besides, how can I enjoy freedom when all of you are still trapped here? That's why I want to destroy this world."

Those words were like knives to Dee's heart, and dark thoughts invaded her mind. He would be so much happier if he stayed in Ostia. She didn't know why she believed that, but every fiber of her being screamed that it was true. "Well, when you leave, I'll come with you," she replied with fake cheer. "I can't let you go alone."

A slight smile came upon Alice's lips. "Thank you, Dee."

And then he seemed to change.

He was lying on the ground, and blood pooled around his head and trailed from his mouth. His limbs were bent at impossible angles, and they twitched uncontrollably. His eyes were wide and alert, but he was unmoving. His mouth was open as he tried to speak, but no words could form. He simply lay there as his blood stained the pavement.

Dee blinked, and she saw Alice standing in front of her, perfectly fine.

No, he wasn't fine. He was… he was…

"Dee?" Alice said, concern clear in his quiet voice. "What happened? You're crying."

"Alice…!" Dee took a step closer to Alice, and then she wrapped her arms around his back. He was alive and breathing, and she could feel his heartbeat against her chest. He was warm, and this warmth was real. She buried her face in his shoulder, which became wet with her tears. As long as they remained in Ostia, she could touch him like this.

As long as this artificial world existed, so could he.

"I'll save you, Alice, I promise…" Dee exclaimed through her tears as her arms tightened around Alice's back. "I'll stay with you, so you'll never be alone!"

"Dee…" was all Alice said, and his arms remained at his sides.

She hated being a ghost because she wasn't able to touch others. She wanted to hold Alice, to feel his warmth and share hers. But that wasn't why she wanted to remain in this world. This world, this false, artificial world, existed for Alice. She had to save it to save him. Maybe he would hate her for it. She would never be able to hold him again, even if she regained her physical body for good. But as long as he could live, she would be happy.

That was her wish, and she would make it come true herself. She didn't God's, or anyone else's help.

_"I love you, Alice…"_


	2. Ai Astin

**2\. Ai Astin**

A false world could still be beautiful, and there would come a day it was no longer fake. The more people Alice brought into the sealed city of Ostia, the more real it became. There was no war here, and everyone lived in peace.

As long as this world did not break, everyone could be happy, and no one deserved a peaceful, happy life more than Ai Astin.

Dee carried a bag of chocolate chip cookies and hummed happily to herself as she walked through the hallway of her school. The bag was a pale pink and it was tied with a shiny red ribbon. She had made these cookies only a few hours ago, and waiting for them to bake and cool had felt like an eternity.

Her destination was the library. Ai spent most of her time there after school, researching the history of Ostia, but she would find nothing about what happened after the twenty-eighth of July. Dee had made sure of that.

Dee entered the library, and she found Ai sitting alone at one of the many tables, surrounded by a pile of books. Dee recognized most of those books as having been published before God had abandoned the world fifteen years earlier. How quickly things had changed since that day, Dee thought.

As quietly as possible, Dee snuck up behind Ai, who was so absorbed in reading that she didn't even notice. "Ai…" Dee whispered into Ai's ear as she poked her waist.

Ai yelped, nearly sending the book she had been holding flying. "Ah, Dee!" she exclaimed, her face bright red. "You startled me!"

Dee giggled. "That's a lot of books. Does history interest you that much?"

Ai tried to smile. "Yes, it is very interesting," she answered. "The world seemed so different before God left. But I still can't find what I'm looking for…"

"Is that so?" Dee muttered with a hushed smirk. "If you can't find what you're looking for, then take a break." She then held out the bag of cookies to Ai. "I made these in club for you."

Ai accepted the bag and carefully opened it, being careful not to rip the ribbon. "Ah, cookies! They look so delicious!"

"Think of them as a late birthday gift. It was only after your party I got the idea to bake some for you."

"Thank you, Dee!" Ai beamed, and she took a cookie and bit into it. "Oh, yummy!"

"I'm glad you like them." Dee put her hand on her hip. "I still think you should join the culinary club with me. Julie does all the cooking at home, right? If you learned how to cook, you could give him a break, and you could also make cookies like these for him, Scar, and Alice."

"Mm, that does sound fun, but…" Ai's bright green eyes grew clouded. "I don't know if I have time for that."

Dee wrapped her arms around Ai's shoulders from behind. "Ai, are you happy here?" she asked in a soft voice.

Ai bit her lip, and her fingers tensed. "It's very peaceful here," she finally said. "Julie and Scar seem to think so too, but what will happen when the city resets again?"

"Ai." Dee's lips were close to Ai's ear. "I've been watching you ever since you left your village. That's how Alice found out about you, and I was the one who told Goran Academy where to find you. I've seen the suffering you've been through. You deserve to be happy, and I want to make that happen."

"Dee…" was Ai's only response. She smiled, that same gentle smile Dee loved so much.

_You're so young, and yet despite all the hardships you've experienced you can still smile. How can you be so strong?_

But that strength was one of the many reasons Dee loved Ai.

"Ai, you can be happy here." Dee's arms tightened around Ai's shoulders, and she really was so soft and warm, just as Tanya had said. Only in this sealed city could she hold Ai like this. "So can Julie, Scar, and Celica. You could be a happy family here. All these peaceful days could be yours. That's the reason this world exists."

Ai didn't reply right away. She raised her hands to touch Dee's, and their fingers became intertwined. "Dee, are you happy?"

"Of course I am, as long as I have you and Alice." Dee lightly kissed Ai's cheek. "We're friends, aren't we?"

Ai's face became a bright red, but she was still smiling. "Yeah, we are friends."

A quiet smirk slipped from Dee's lips. Sometimes Ai's naivety could be more trying than endearing, but she didn't need to know the truth of Dee's feelings. She deserved peace and happiness, just as Alice did, and Dee would do anything to make that happen.

"Dee." Ai's voice was surprisingly firm as it cut through Dee's thoughts. She shifted herself in her chair so that she could turn around to face Dee, and she raised her hands to touch Dee's face. Her fingers were small and gentle, and a blush came to Dee's cheeks.

"Ai?" Dee said, her voice hardly more than a whisper. Ai had never touched her like this, and she was smiling so sincerely, and Dee almost wished this moment would never end.

"I will save you and Alice, I promise," Ai said, her beautiful green eyes filled with determination. "I care about the both of you a lot, and I want to see you happy too."

Dee said nothing in response. She loved that kindness of Ai's, but she knew that promise could never be fulfilled. To break this world would mean choosing between Alice and Dee, and such a choice would be far too cruel for Ai, but Dee would not allow her to face such a malicious fate. She would protect this artificial world, and Ai and Alice would continue to live in peace.

Dee pulled Ai into a tight embrace, and Ai did not resist as she wrapped her own arms around Dee's back. Silence fell over the two of them, and Dee took in Ai's warmth and gently stroked her soft, golden hair. She wondered how much longer she would be able to hold Ai like this, but perhaps Ai would someday forgive her.

_"Ai, you're far too kind, but that's why I love you."_


	3. Julie Sakuma Dmitriyevich

**3\. Julie Sakuma Dmitriyevich**

Dee didn't care much for birthday parties anymore, although she didn't really mind them either. They had become tedious over the fourteen times this year had repeated itself, but she still attended her classmates' parties from time to time, even after Alice had long since stopped celebrating his own birthday.

Ai's birthday party had been different. Dee had genuinely enjoyed herself. This was the first time Ai was turning thirteen, so the novelty had yet to wear off, and the party had given her a chance to spend more time with Julie as she had helped him prepare the food.

He seemed happier here in Ostia, and he was smiling more often. He wasn't quite the gloomy man he had been when Dee had first met him after she, Ai, and the others had escaped Goran Academy.

By the time the sun had set, the other students of Class 3-4 had left the party, and Dee had remained behind to help clean up. As she carried plates into the house, she intended to cut through the living room to get to the kitchen, but she stopped when she found Julie lying on the couch.

"Julie?" she said, and after she set down the plates she was carrying - she would get them to the kitchen eventually - she walked over to the couch and saw that Julie really was asleep, as his eyes were closed and his breathing was slow and regular.

Dee held back a giggle. How could he be so careless? Was planning a birthday party for Ai really that exhausting?

She knelt next to him. She had overheard Ai when she had told Alice about Julie's wife and daughter. Knowing that, Dee wasn't that surprised to see him put in so much effort for Ai's birthday, and she wondered what he and Scar had planned for Celica's.

If he stayed in Ostia, he would never again have to worry about losing his adopted daughters.

(But Ai and Celica also wouldn't age as long as they were bound by this seal, so would he still be happy?)

She laid her hand on Julie's chest, over his heart, gently so as not to disturb him. What would it be like to actually feel his beating heart? She couldn't put her arm through his chest like she had done that one time, but even then she hadn't been able to touch his heart. She imagined herself wrapping her fingers around his heart, feeling it beat in her hand, and thus feeling his very life.

As long as she was in Ostia, she had a physical body, and she could touch other human beings, and that alone was greater than any advantage to being a ghost.

"Julie…" she whispered, and she touched his face, feeling his stubble against her skin. She held back a giggle; he was almost cute when he was sleeping and vulnerable like this. She traced his lips with her thumb, and he stirred slightly.

Even though he could be blunt and cynical, he was still a kind and caring man. He was a loving father to Ai and Celica, but Dee still could not see him as a father. If she had, then maybe she wouldn't have fallen in love with him.

Brushing a few strands of hair from his face, she bent over him and pressed her lips against his. It was a chaste kiss, although drawn-out to savor the taste and warmth of his lips. She knew he would never return her feelings, but she could be satisfied with a single stolen kiss. Perhaps it was a little creepy, but if he never found out…

When she broke the kiss, his eyes were open.

"Dee, what the hell are you doing?" Julie asked, his voice low and sharp.

Dee's heart pounded against her chest as her face felt impossibly warm. "It… it was just a joke!" she blurted out without thinking. "I've never kissed anyone before, so I thought…!"

"That's a sick joke," Julie snapped as he sat up. "I'm old enough to be your father. It'd be creepy."

Dee's body was shaking, and she clenched her teeth. Those words hurt, although they were not entirely unexpected. "I said it was just a joke, and I'm sorry!" she said, and her eyes hurt as she held back tears. "It's not like I'm in love with you or anything like that!"

"Mm," was Julie's response, and his eyes were still cold.

Dee's fingers balled into fists as she got back to her feet. She didn't want him to look at her with such a cold glare, or to hate her. Even if he couldn't love her, she at least wanted him to smile for her. She tried to speak, but the words wouldn't form. He stared at her, as if waiting for her to say something, but soon he simply sighed and turned his face away from hers.

"Ugh, how long was I asleep?" he mumbled as he stood up. "I still need to clean up…"

Before he could walk away, Dee had gently seized his arm. "Julie, can I ask you something?" she said in a soft voice.

Julie didn't even glance at her. "What is it?"

"Are you happy here?"

Julie turned to face Dee, and he didn't reply right away. Finally, he said, "It is peaceful here, but I feel uneasy when I remember I'm trapped here. If the seal isn't broken, we'll keep repeating the same year over and over, so Ai and Celica won't actually age, will they?"

Dee didn't answer him.

Julie sighed again. "Then let me ask you this: Dee, are you happy here?"

"I… I…" Dee's voice seemed to die in her throat, and as she tried to force the words out, she began to cry. She tried to wipe away her tears with her sleeve; why was she crying? Had she really expected him to return her feelings? Or was she just lying to herself? "Julie…!" she yelled as she threw her arms around him, and she buried her face in his chest to hide her tears.

"Dee…" Julie's voice was gentle as he laid his hand on her hair.

"I can be happy as long as you are!" Dee exclaimed between sobs. "I want all of you to be happy!"

She wanted Julie to love her, and knowing that would never happen did hurt. She wouldn't be able to embrace him like this again, and she didn't want to let go. She choked back a sob as she clutched his shirt tighter. Even so, as long he could still smile, she would be content.

_"Don't hate me, Julie. Just let me love you, please…"_


	4. Scar

**4\. Scar**

The ruins of Ostia were beautiful in their own way, and already the many people Alice had brought into the seal were considering rebuilding the city now that they were no longer trapped in an endless, repetitive loop. Ostia could be restored to its former glory, this time by human hands rather than a misguided wish.

It had been two days since the seal had been broken, and Dee had only exchanged a few words with the others since then. She had spent most of those two days wandering the ruins of Ostia, and now she stood in front of the house she had once lived in with her parents, before that fateful day had separated them for good.

She was no longer a ghost in the outside world, and Alice was not dead. His body was still buried in that grave, but the "Alice" that Class 3-4 had created could now exist without the seal and could live and age normally, and all it had taken was a wish.

Ai's wish.

Dee wiped her eyes with her sleeve. He was the same Alice, and essentially he had been revived from the dead in a roundabout way, even though such a wish was supposed to be impossible. It was just a simple wish, and yet she had not been able to make that wish.

"Alice…" she muttered. "If Ai could save you, then maybe she can be the one to make you happy."

"Ah, Dee. So this is where you are."

Dee turned her head, and she saw Scar standing next to her, holding Celica. "Hello, Scar," she greeted, and she could not force herself to smile.

However, Scar wore that same pleasant smile she always did. "We have not spoken much lately," she said. "It seems you are avoiding us."

Dee scowled. "I-I'm not avoiding you!" she snapped.

"But I have been searching for you," Scar replied, her smile softening. "Ai told Julie and me about what happened."

Dee smiled, though it was a cold, dark smile. "So she told you about how I was going to trap you here forever, hm?"

"You care about Alice greatly." Scar's reply was blunt. "I cannot fault you for that."

Dee's fingers tensed. "So you're just going to forgive me so easily?" she screamed, tears in her eyes. "I could've destroyed everything, just to keep someone I loved trapped here!"

"So you have yet to forgive yourself?" Scar's voice was gentle.

"Huh?" was all Dee could say in response. What kind of question was that? If the others had already forgiven her, what did it matter if she forgave herself? Even if that forgiveness was undeserved… She crossed her arms over her chest and bit her lip. "What do you mean by that?"

Scar chuckled as she cradled Celica more against her chest. "I have yet to fully understand what human beings call love, but I do know it is supposed to be something wonderful, even when misguided."

Dee's face grew bright red, and she cleared her throat. How could Scar say things like that with a straight face? "A-Anyway, what do you plan to do now?" she asked in a feeble attempt to change the subject.

"Ah, who knows?" Scar shrugged her shoulders. "Julie is collecting supplies for travel, but we may stay here a little longer. It depends on what Ai wants. But whatever we decide, you are welcome to join us, and so is Alice. I know Ai and Julie have grown fond of you."

Dee turned her face away from Scar's gaze. Her eyes were focused on the abandoned house; she really did have no reason to remain in Ostia. "You're all far too kind…"

Celica cooed and reached for a strand of Dee's hair. She smiled and giggled, and Dee was too startled to even jerk back. Her eyes darted toward Celica's hand, and she had never noticed just how tiny Celica's fingers were, and yet she had a surprisingly firm hold on her hair.

"Celica and I care about you as well," Scar said she carefully pried Celica's fingers from Dee's hair. "In this world, it is far better to be kind than resentful."

"Scar…" Dee could say nothing more. She was not surprised that Ai and the others had forgiven her so easily, and with the way Alice had smiled at her as the seal had been breaking, she knew he didn't resent her either. But that kindness was overbearing, and it would only hurt them in this broken world.

She lowered her head, her bangs shadowing her eyes. Things weren't supposed to be so simple, and yet everything had managed to turn out well, all thanks to a wish. She had believed that only destruction could save Alice, and she had traveled the world to manipulate others into destroying it so that Alice would have no choice but to remain in the sealed city. She had resented Ai's desire to save the world. Yet it had been that desire to save the world that had led Ai to save Alice.

Did she truly deserve to join Ai's journey to save the world when she had tried to destroy it for the sake of love?

Tears fell from her red eyes. "Scar, I can't…" she cried. "I can't face them, not after what I've done…"

Scar touched Dee's shoulder. "You won't be alone, Dee. You don't need to forgive yourself right away, and we will support you. We are waiting for you, so will you come with me and Celica?"

Dee looked up at Scar through her tear-soaked eyes. "Are you sure?" she asked, her voice quiet.

Scar offered her hand to Dee. "As I have said, we are quite fond of you."

A faint smile came upon Dee's lips, and she took Scar's hand. Scar's warm fingers enveloped hers, and she was thankful to finally have her physical body back for good.

As they walked together, Dee's racing heart seemed to calm. It would be nice to leave Ostia for a while and travel with Alice again. They had already seen so much of the world together, but to follow Ai on her quest to save the world actually did sound quite pleasant. Perhaps she could even find forgiveness if she helped Ai accomplish her goal.

Ai, Alice, Julie, and Scar - they were all too kind, but maybe that wasn't such a bad thing in this world without God.

_"Thank you, Scar. Thank you, everyone…"_


End file.
